History of Chile: Part I

Since I had some time while my laundry is getting clean for the first time in months, I thought I would give all my faithful readers a brief history of the country Chile.

Chile was discovered in 1943 by Senor Santiago who was later immortalized by the classic video game and television show "Where in the World is Carmen Santiago". Ironically, Carmen was not Senor Santiago's name, it was Frank, but a young ingenue he met along his travels through this beautiful country became his inspiration for the first generation of this game "Where are you Carmen? I'm coming to get you." Later he would be arrested on stalking charges and spend the rest of his life in exile on the island of Elba where he would eat, drink and be merry with such television personalities as Napolean, Sammy Davis Jr. and Lauren Conrad from Laguna Beach and The Hills.

Since Sr. Santiago discovered the country he was given the liberty of giving the country its name by the International Nation Naming Council or .INNC for short. Coincidentially .INNC is also credited as being the world's first corporation and advertising agency. You may remember its ad campaign for the first season of American Idol, "If you can't get a golden calf you can get your idolatry fix through the most American democratic of ways, text messaging. Just tune in Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays, and three times on Sundays to vote." For more about .INNC and its place in history, check out the new documentary ".INNC 2, Rise of Machines" starring Arnold Schwartzeneggar as the indestructible CEO with a heart of gold and Reba McIntyre as the small town country girl who is small on material wealth but rich on quick wit and the legal know how to file Articles of Incorporation.

Now, you may believe that Sr. Santiago would have named Chile after an ancient indigenous word for beautiful scenery or even after a particularly hot chili pepper he ate or even after a particularly cold night he spent out in the wilderness, but in fact he was a much more complicated individual than most historians have given him credit for. He was extremely jovial, which explained his late nights at the local pub where he would sing Chilean favorites until the wee hours. Ironically his favorite song "The Long Song" was later mistranslated into "The Thong Song" in the United States. In the original he would repeat for hours on end the line "Long, long, long, long song." Unfortunately the twisted American version trivialized the gentle, haunting melody created by Frank Santiago.

Eventually the long hours weighed on Sr. Santiago and his health deteriorated while his weight ballooned out of control. At one point he became unable to leave his house, and word of his ill health reached the world's celebrities who in turn organized the world's largest benefit concert just outside of Byron Center, Michigan. During his stirring rendition of "I Will Always Love You", Bono was joined on stage by the song's writer Whitney Houston as well as such iconic figures as Leonard Nemoy, Angelina Jolie and Alf. Considered among the greatest moments in the history of the world, this simple song unified the warring factions of the world and raised $100 billion dollars, which was given directly to Sr. Santiago. Unfortunately bad business decisions (Santiago's Accountant lost half of the money by betting on the Lions of Detroit and the Cubs of Chicago) and the invention on the big mac two weeks later left Sr. Santiago broke and on his death bed. Showing his true spirit and solidifying his place not only in Chilean lore but around the world Sr. Santiago's last words were uttered to his closest confidant, Tom Izzo (Obviously not the coach of Michigan State, because that would be plain stupid) and were "Can't Help It I Like Everyone". Using the brilliance that would later let a similarly named individual make the final four three times in 8 years, Izzo would decide to take this phrase and shorten it to CHIILE. Later the Chilean Enquirer realized it only had one letter "I" in its printing presses and shortened the name to Chile which was widely accepted by the Chilean people and remains to this day.